internship day one.
internship day one: today is recovery day one.
i had the most awesome, difficult, hectic, frazzled, crazy day on the fist day on. i volunteered to be on call. i wanted today off for krishnas wedding. viral and gurm and hash will be in town. 32 hours. no sleep. none. my patients are sooooooooooo sick. i dont know much. overwhelmed is a good word. nervous is another. but it is such a sacred space to witness all of this stuff. in one night two patients coded. they were both my patients. 10 minutes of pumping on the chest and pulses coming and going, flat lines. they put me in the cardiac intensive care the first month. fifteen patients are super sick. breathing machines and tubes and swan ganz chaths. a 24 yr old drug adict with tubes and on ventilation and crashing. she had tatoos and was in septic shock and bluish. red hair, tatoos everywhere. she looked like the posterchild of death but maybe it was because so young or i could picture her struggling with drugs or being touch but i was emotional to see her about to die. and my name is first to call for the nurses if anything happens. and i am first to call to talk to the parents. it is really a trip to click on a patients name and have your name come up as the doc taking care of her.
there was once a poet(it has now been a full three years since she died) who said it is hard to keep a white shirt clean(and i was in india and a little tibetan kid squirted some blood from his nose onto my white kurta. and as i took off my white white shirt and washed it by hand in that bathroom bucket i was reminded of that phrase it is hard to keep a white shirt clean and i thought of that poet and something swept over me emotionally and i almost started to full on cry.)
but anyway it is very hard to keep a white shirt clean and before i left NY trevor told me to keeping a white shirt clean means that you have to put yourself in positions to get it dirty, really freaking dirty. you cant just chill at the laundry room and be happy that your white shirt is clean. so the point being, i am spent after last night and i feel like i am about to fall on my face and get my shirt bloody but at least i am in that place.
i was in on the decision whether to stop treatment on this patient. i signed the DNR. i talked to the family. this whole figuring out how to be real and still a doctor. both the codes were still alive when i left the hospital.
the hospital is chaotic and awesome and my patients speak mostly spanish. there was five women- age 16 to 55 praying loudly around 2 am. standing up and crying in a circle, raised hands and praying in spanish. it was beautiful and sad. tears rolling down their cheeks. and i am running to replace magnesium on my patinets and try to make sure everybody lives through the night. so many lives are being played out it is crazy. and i am responsible in some part for some of these lives. lucky the residents and the fellows hold your hand a bit.
i got off and drove home to my parents house and slept. woke up and ate. and slept through the night. this is going to be a hard year. exciting, i think but so hard. every intern looked liked they were drowning and frazzled. first day, two of my patients coded. tomorrow. day two.
today, a wedding.
sri
i had the most awesome, difficult, hectic, frazzled, crazy day on the fist day on. i volunteered to be on call. i wanted today off for krishnas wedding. viral and gurm and hash will be in town. 32 hours. no sleep. none. my patients are sooooooooooo sick. i dont know much. overwhelmed is a good word. nervous is another. but it is such a sacred space to witness all of this stuff. in one night two patients coded. they were both my patients. 10 minutes of pumping on the chest and pulses coming and going, flat lines. they put me in the cardiac intensive care the first month. fifteen patients are super sick. breathing machines and tubes and swan ganz chaths. a 24 yr old drug adict with tubes and on ventilation and crashing. she had tatoos and was in septic shock and bluish. red hair, tatoos everywhere. she looked like the posterchild of death but maybe it was because so young or i could picture her struggling with drugs or being touch but i was emotional to see her about to die. and my name is first to call for the nurses if anything happens. and i am first to call to talk to the parents. it is really a trip to click on a patients name and have your name come up as the doc taking care of her.
there was once a poet(it has now been a full three years since she died) who said it is hard to keep a white shirt clean(and i was in india and a little tibetan kid squirted some blood from his nose onto my white kurta. and as i took off my white white shirt and washed it by hand in that bathroom bucket i was reminded of that phrase it is hard to keep a white shirt clean and i thought of that poet and something swept over me emotionally and i almost started to full on cry.)
but anyway it is very hard to keep a white shirt clean and before i left NY trevor told me to keeping a white shirt clean means that you have to put yourself in positions to get it dirty, really freaking dirty. you cant just chill at the laundry room and be happy that your white shirt is clean. so the point being, i am spent after last night and i feel like i am about to fall on my face and get my shirt bloody but at least i am in that place.
i was in on the decision whether to stop treatment on this patient. i signed the DNR. i talked to the family. this whole figuring out how to be real and still a doctor. both the codes were still alive when i left the hospital.
the hospital is chaotic and awesome and my patients speak mostly spanish. there was five women- age 16 to 55 praying loudly around 2 am. standing up and crying in a circle, raised hands and praying in spanish. it was beautiful and sad. tears rolling down their cheeks. and i am running to replace magnesium on my patinets and try to make sure everybody lives through the night. so many lives are being played out it is crazy. and i am responsible in some part for some of these lives. lucky the residents and the fellows hold your hand a bit.
i got off and drove home to my parents house and slept. woke up and ate. and slept through the night. this is going to be a hard year. exciting, i think but so hard. every intern looked liked they were drowning and frazzled. first day, two of my patients coded. tomorrow. day two.
today, a wedding.
sri
posted by srijeeva at 12:17 PM
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