on call number 2
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are"- Rachel Naomi Remen
i realize that i am not naturally fearless. i am unsure of my skills as a doc. i care if the attending thinks im an idiot even though i dont want to. i think before i stop rounds and make sure the 70 year old spanish speaking only man understands that a cardiac catherization is dangerous sometimes and he shouldnt sign the consent unless he understands that fully. but i got a translator for my booty spanish that doesnt carry the intricacy of 50 words for scales of danger and vitality post surgery.
32 hours on and sitting down for a total of 45 minutes is draining. yesterday i got called for two chest pains that could be heart attacks, admitted 5 very sick cardiac patients, talked to three families about their loved ones chances and pulled the ventillator on a brain dead patient. a patient was crashing in the ER and i kept getting paged that the patient's family in the cardiac intensive care unit wanted to talk to me. i couldnt get up there in time. i am trying to get used to being pulled in so many directions and saying no. i am not that good at saying no. i dont know why. at the bottom of the stairs was a young mexican woman who was in tears and she asked me if i spoke spanish and i said yes and she asked if i could help her find her grandmother who she thinks might be dying and urgent care hasnt seen her yet and could i talk to urgent care. and i was so behind for the night and i had to see a patient that was crashing in the ER and i couldnt. i talked to her for a couple minutes.
finally i got up to the 4th floor and walked behind the curtains to see the family of my patient on the vent. there were 15 people in that little area around the bed. two boys at the head of the bed, their heads shaved, about 22 years old crying for their father. and when i walked into the room i apologized for taking so long. and i have realized in a week that patients are so hungry for some communication and the medical field in general and acute, highly skilled specialists in particular are so bad at sitting down and talking to patients for a couple of minutes. and there is so little time in LA county hospitals but it has to be done and it isnt being done. and patients are ridiculously grateful for honesty and a brief minute.
so i walked into that room and explained we would pull the vent and start a morphine drip if they agreed. and they wanted to. what is crazy is that the most intimate, crucial stuff the best stuff of being in medicine never shows up in rounds. like robert horry whose stats the next day are not that great but you know he won the game for his team with all the hustle and the little stuff.
so the stats the next morning are all that is important and they are mostly numbers.
and i am trying my damndest to keep doing stuff that will never show up in rounds and i think most of the other interns at harbor are too. but the fellows dont for the most part and the attendigs, rarely. i cant remember when i have been impressed by an attending bedside chat with a patient. long time, i think.
today i am off. i need to set up my place. we got it painted yellow and red. i went to home depot and got the colors mixed the way i wanted. it has a little spanish villa feel if you stretch your imagination:)
the roofs are low and it is this little one bedroom hideaway less than a five blocks from the beach.
sri
i realize that i am not naturally fearless. i am unsure of my skills as a doc. i care if the attending thinks im an idiot even though i dont want to. i think before i stop rounds and make sure the 70 year old spanish speaking only man understands that a cardiac catherization is dangerous sometimes and he shouldnt sign the consent unless he understands that fully. but i got a translator for my booty spanish that doesnt carry the intricacy of 50 words for scales of danger and vitality post surgery.
32 hours on and sitting down for a total of 45 minutes is draining. yesterday i got called for two chest pains that could be heart attacks, admitted 5 very sick cardiac patients, talked to three families about their loved ones chances and pulled the ventillator on a brain dead patient. a patient was crashing in the ER and i kept getting paged that the patient's family in the cardiac intensive care unit wanted to talk to me. i couldnt get up there in time. i am trying to get used to being pulled in so many directions and saying no. i am not that good at saying no. i dont know why. at the bottom of the stairs was a young mexican woman who was in tears and she asked me if i spoke spanish and i said yes and she asked if i could help her find her grandmother who she thinks might be dying and urgent care hasnt seen her yet and could i talk to urgent care. and i was so behind for the night and i had to see a patient that was crashing in the ER and i couldnt. i talked to her for a couple minutes.
finally i got up to the 4th floor and walked behind the curtains to see the family of my patient on the vent. there were 15 people in that little area around the bed. two boys at the head of the bed, their heads shaved, about 22 years old crying for their father. and when i walked into the room i apologized for taking so long. and i have realized in a week that patients are so hungry for some communication and the medical field in general and acute, highly skilled specialists in particular are so bad at sitting down and talking to patients for a couple of minutes. and there is so little time in LA county hospitals but it has to be done and it isnt being done. and patients are ridiculously grateful for honesty and a brief minute.
so i walked into that room and explained we would pull the vent and start a morphine drip if they agreed. and they wanted to. what is crazy is that the most intimate, crucial stuff the best stuff of being in medicine never shows up in rounds. like robert horry whose stats the next day are not that great but you know he won the game for his team with all the hustle and the little stuff.
so the stats the next morning are all that is important and they are mostly numbers.
and i am trying my damndest to keep doing stuff that will never show up in rounds and i think most of the other interns at harbor are too. but the fellows dont for the most part and the attendigs, rarely. i cant remember when i have been impressed by an attending bedside chat with a patient. long time, i think.
today i am off. i need to set up my place. we got it painted yellow and red. i went to home depot and got the colors mixed the way i wanted. it has a little spanish villa feel if you stretch your imagination:)
the roofs are low and it is this little one bedroom hideaway less than a five blocks from the beach.
sri
posted by srijeeva at 11:29 AM
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